Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma! I recently got a new job, and I was invited to an office Christmas party where the dress code is an ugly holiday sweater. The only one I own is a Hanukkah sweater, which I wear every year when I have the chance. However, I’m pretty sure I’m the only Jewish person in the office, and since I’m new, I don’t know the extent of people’s opinions or knowledge, and I don’t want anyone to have any preconceived notions about me (especially since I’m in a creative industry). Should I be myself and wear my Hanukkah sweater, or get a Christmas-themed one for this party?
— Ugly Holiday Sweater Dilemma
Dear Dilemma,
Every so often I really wish we allowed readers to send a photo with their advice query, and this is one of those times — I wanna see your ugly Hanukkah sweater! But let’s focus on your problem, not my desires.
Honestly, I can see a case for either choice here. Part of me wants to say: Be yourself! Wear your Hanukkah sweater! Let your identity — Judaism included — shine, and let your coworkers get to know your true self! But the other part of me completely understands your concerns, and wants to validate those concerns: I get it! We don’t necessarily always want to be our full selves at work — sometimes we just want to get our tasks done, be cordial with our colleagues and head home at the end of the day to enjoy our personal lives. I also understand that right now feels like a particularly complicated time for some Jewish people to outwardly express their identity — antisemitism has, of course, always been an issue, but it’s coming up in new and different ways now, and what Judaism means to each of us as individuals is often quite nuanced and not necessarily something one wants to be delving into with brand new colleagues.
I think the question here is both simple and also very complicated. Simply: Which sweater should you wear? Complicatedly: How much do you want to let your new colleagues know the real you?
Consider quite carefully if it would be realistic — both practically and emotionally — to hide your Jewish identity for the course of your employment at this company. I’m all for keeping good boundaries between your professional life and your personal life, but I think in this case, it would feel bad for me to essentially pretend to not be Jewish. That said, maybe you just don’t feel like sharing your religious identity just yet — and that’s OK. If you want to ease into your company by blending in with an ugly Christmas sweater, I don’t think anyone would fault you. Ultimately, it’s up to you how much or how little of yourself you share at work (though it can sometimes be extra tricky in creative industries, where so much of your work is tied into your personality, your taste, etc).
To make a practical decision about your sweater, this might be a helpful exercise. Think about what you’re worried about your colleagues thinking when they see your awesome ugly Hanukkah sweater (besides, “Wow, what a cool and unique sweater!”)? Can you practice answering some questions you’re worried you’ll receive, just to build your confidence and give yourself a game plan? Now think about what conversations might happen if you wear an ugly Christmas sweater? Might you feel empowered if you were wearing something that blends in to share about your religion, if it comes up? Would you feel like a fraud pretending to celebrate Christmas? (It’s worth noting that plenty of Jews celebrate Christmas, and many of us even have ugly Christmas sweaters — IMHO, an ugly Christmas sweater can truly transcend the boundaries of religion, but I understand in this particular situation it feels very binary.)
It’s always tough being “the only” anything in a space, and it’s even tougher in a professional setting, where everything is tied up to your paycheck and your livelihood and your material security is impacted by the whims of the people in power. Ultimately, your comfort and peace is most important. You don’t have to worry about making a statement either way. Just consider what will make you feel happiest at this new job in this moment. I think it would be cool to wear an ugly Hanukkah sweater and educate your coworkers a bit on what it means to you to be Jewish. I think you could wear an ugly Christmas sweater and still share with your coworkers about the joys of being Jewish now, or later. I also think you could wear either kind of sweater and not engage in conversations about religion and identity at all. There is no right or wrong choice; it boils down to what you’re most comfortable with.
While writing this column, I asked my wife what she thought, and her advice might be the best yet: “Just don’t go. Stay home in pajamas. Problem solved!”
Do you have a Jewish or Jewish-adjacent dilemma and want our advice? Submit a question anonymously and we’ll do our best to answer it!