Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
One of my goals for this year is to find a Jewish community — by which I really mean, I want Jewish friends. I know it’s what my soul needs. There isn’t a huge Jewish population in the suburb where I live but it’s not zero. I have one friend here who is Jewish and who also knows a lot of other Jews, so I know they would be the ideal person to help here. The problem is I kind of hate them? They’re not a bad person, per se, but I find them self-involved and difficult to talk to, so I don’t love the idea of spending more time together. But I know they have the hook-up to the other local Jews who I might actually like to hang out with. Is it wrong to “use” this person to make more Jewish friends? Or is there a better way to make Jewish friends IRL (that ideally don’t involve joining a synagogue)?
— Friendship via Frenemy?
Hello FvF and happy new year! We’re starting 2025 off with a banger of an advice question, and I love that for us.
Two things immediately came to mind when I read this question:
1. I think what you’re describing doing is totally fine!
But also:
2. There’s a non-zero chance you will actually not love this person’s friends!
Your description of this person tells me that they’re not bad, they’re just not really your cup of tea, and I’m here to say it’s totally normal to engage in group hangs or attend events where the main person you know is someone you’re not obsessed with, in the hopes that you will find your people there. Making friends as an adult is genuinely tough, and we’re all doing the best we can.
Now, if you were lying to this individual in some totally cruel way, pretending to be their best friend and then throwing them under the bus and abandoning them or talking shit about them to your soon-to-be mutual friends? I’d say you were kind of being an asshole and you should rethink your behavior. But if you simply want to lean on someone who isn’t your bestie to make some Jewish pals when you have a dearth of them in your life, and you’re upfront about being casual friends with them, I’d say that’s pretty common adult behavior.
But I do think you need to consider the obvious concern here: If the people you’re hoping to connect with are friends with this person you “kind of hate”… do you really think they’re going to be your people? It’s possible they will be! I’m not making any hard or fast judgments. Perhaps the local Jewish scene you’re describing this irritating self-centered person to have the hook up to is way larger and less tightly knit than I’m imagining; maybe these folks call this person a “friend” in the same way you do, but secretly find them insufferable. But there is the very real possibility that this person, who you really don’t like, is friends with people who… like them! And I guess I’m just wondering if those are really going to be the type of people you get along with.
I don’t think your plan is ethically wrong, but I do think it might be logically flawed. But your heart is craving IRL Jewish community, and the heart wants what the heart wants. So what can you do to make Jewish friends as a young adult?
You can attempt your original plan. Who knows what the Jewish people your frenemy hangs out with are like, and they may indeed be the friends you’re looking for. In this case, I’d mention to your friend that you’re trying to make more Jewish connections, and ask them to let you know when they’re next hanging out explicitly with other Jewish people, or when there is a Jewish event for young adults in your town.
You do also have other options. You definitely don’t have to join a synagogue, but a lot of synagogues have tons of programming for Jews in their 20s and 30s that you can participate in without being a member. You can make use of those structures. I’d also recommend some quick Google searches to see if there are other local Jewish events specifically for young adults in your area — if it’s feasible to travel to a nearby city, look up the nearest one to your suburb, too. (By travel I mean like, hop on a train for 20-30 minutes, not book a last-minute flight — I know you’re aiming for local IRL community!)
I know you’re looking for in-person friends, but I’d also encourage you to follow Jewish accounts that share your vibe online and keep an eye out for events they may throw or advertise.
Finally, not to tout our own horn, but you can always write a Hey Alma Classified post — at this point, we’re responsible for multiple marriages, ongoing study groups, monthly Shabbat dinners and more friendships and connections than we can count. You don’t have to settle for sharing space with a “friend” you actually hate in the hopes that they’re the ticket to the Jewish friendships you’re dreaming of cultivating. I want to empower you that in 2025, you can totally take control of your own destiny and create your own Jewish community — one where everyone actually likes each other.
