As this truly mediocre season of Bachelor in Paradise comes to a close, we can at least be grateful for the worst pick-up line of all time: “Obviously you’re Jewish.”
Yep, you read that correctly: During episode three, contestant Iggy Rodriguez went up to contestant Lacey Mark with that line in an attempt to get her rose. (For those of you who do not watch Bachelor in Paradise, the premise is simple: Men and women alternate giving out roses; if the women are giving out roses, there are more men than roses, and vice versa. Also, what are you doing with your life if not watching Bachelor in Paradise?) After that horrendous pick-up line (can we even call it that?), Iggy proceeds to absolutely butcher reading the Hebrew prayer over wine (spoiler: It did not sound like how you read Baruch ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha’olam borei p’ri hagafen).
But the short season—there were less than two weeks of filming—did have four Jewish contestants (and one unconfirmed Jew) shine bright. We have ranked them for you based on your likelihood of knowing someone they know.
[Read: A candid conversation with Jewish Paradise contestant Jack Stone]
We present Alma’s First Annual Bachelor Nation Jewish Geography Power Rankings:
#5 Jonathan Treece, a.k.a. Tickle Monster
Okay, we don’t know if Jonathan is Jewish, tbh. The Forward thinks he is because “the name Jonathan without an ‘h’ will always be a dead giveaway in the dog-eat-no-shellfish modern dating game.” He may be Jewish because he’s a divorcée doctor who lives in Florida (plus, that nose). But, on the other hand, he’s probably not Jewish because he’s from Arkansas and enjoys surfing. On Bachelor in Paradise, there is nothing to his storyline besides the fact he is known as “Tickle Monster,” which makes me cringe even just typing.
Jewish Geography Points: +40 for living in Florida, -30 for being from Arkansas, -20 for athleticism (have you heard of a Jewish surfer?)
Score: -10, let’s be real, he’s probably not Jewish
#4 Adam Gottschalk
Another Jewish-looking dude, but we’re not just stereotyping; we’re positive Adam Gottschalk is Jewish. When he played football in college for the University of Arizona, the Jewish Journal listed him as a Jewish player participating in Bowl Games. Further confirmation that he’s in the tribe: brother, Ben Gottschalk, played football for SMU and his Wikipedia lists him as Jewish. He currently lives in Dallas where he works in real estate. His Bachelor in Paradise storyline focused on his relationship with Raven—and apparently they’re still together—so there goes Adam down a path feared by Jewish grandmothers near and far: intermarriage.
Jewish Geography Points: +20 for University of Arizona (did you know 9% of their student body is Jewish?), -20 for college football, +5 for no tattoos, +30 for being from Los Angeles
Score: 35, you may know him
#3 Corinne Olympios
At the center of the Bachelor in Paradise “drama” this season was Corinne Olympios, the 25-year-old business woman from Miami. Although allegations of sexual misconduct should not be considered “drama,” they shut down the production and became the main talking point throughout the show’s run. When production resumed (after no wrongdoing was found…. but say it with me, you cannot consent while blacked out), Corinne did not return to Paradise. Nonetheless, we had to include her, as she is the closest we have gotten to a “Jewish American Princess” on the Bachelor franchise (she loves sushi, napping, “cheese pasta,” and her nanny).
Jewish Geography Points: +30 for being from Florida, +10 more for Miami, but -10 for not going to University of Miami, +10 for hashtagging “#sistersawomannow #allglittereverything” on her sister’s bat mitzvah, and +20 for visiting Israel this year
Score: 60, you probably know someone on #TeamCorn
#2 Jack Stone
Another southern Jew! (Where are the Northeast contestants, where my Jewish geography would actually succeed?) Besides the fact that the producers of Bachelor in Paradise have strangely edited the show to make him seem like a serial killer, Jack Stone is actually a lawyer from Dallas who has a very cute goldendoodle. Jack describes himself as “anxious” and writes that the person he admires most in the world is his mom. Jewcy wrote that through the power of Jewish geography, they “learned that Stone once went on a trip to Germany through AJC.” One last crucial Jewish fact about Jack (thank you, internet): His last name used to be “Olberstein.” While he seems to be unlucky in love in Paradise, Jack Stone seems like a guy you would swipe right for on JSwipe.
Jewish Geography Points: +50 for AJC trip, +30 for anxiety, +15 for “Olberstein,” -10 for changing his last name to sound more goyish, and +20 for University of Texas – Austin
Score: 105, Jack is for sure a nice Jewish boy your camp friend’s home friend knows
#1 Lacey Mark
Lacey is power ranked #1, above NJB Jack Stone/Olberstein, because she checks off every single box to make her amazing at Jewish geography. She has stolen our Jewish Bachelor franchise heart; and, she dealt with that terrible “you’re Jewish” pick-up line. From her first appearance riding a camel to try and make a good first impression on Nick Viall’s season (she definitely learned those camel-riding-skills on Birthright), she has embraced her Jewishness on the Bachelor franchise. At Syracuse University, she studied Political Science and Government/Middle Eastern Studies and was a member of AEPhi. She is from Montville, New Jersey, and currently lives on the Upper East Side in Manhattan. Her Paradise storyline features her striking out with a bunch of the men, and she ends up in a weird “relationship” with Canadian Daniel. Lacey, bubbeleh, you can do better.
Jewish Geography Points: +40 for Syracuse University, +30 for being from New Jersey, +25 more for tri-state area (anyone know where she went to camp?), +20 for AEPhi, +15 for Middle Eastern Studies, +30 for living on the UES, and an extra +20 for being on the receiving end of the “you’re Jewish” pick-up line
Score: 180, Lacey will win at Jewish geography every time
