Multicolored candles, a few plastic menorahs, Star of David plates and napkins, wrapping paper that says “I love you a latke,” Hanukkah gnomes and even a stray (hopefully not feral) Hanukkah llama: This is what I’ve come to expect from the Hanukkah section at any American chain store. Maybe add an endcap of Manischewitz matzah in there if you’re feeling freaky.
Apparently, Dollar Tree is going in… a slightly different direction.
Ah, yes. Perfect. Now this, this is Hanukkah. Forget the dreidel plushie — nothing says Festival of Lights more than Round White Plastic Plate! It’s minimalist. It’s chic. It’s giving latke party at a serial killer’s house.
But don’t all go reaching for your wallets at once! Besides, how would you know what to buy amongst this absolute bounty? Without further ado, here’s my ranking of the items in Dollar Tree’s Hanukkah section:
6. Round White Plastic Table Cover, 84 in.
$1.25 per unit
Perfect for any Jew who likes to celebrate Hanukkah by forgoing the mess of potato pancakes and instead silently eat sour cream directly from the tub! This particular item ranks last in my list because the image also weirdly gives me Last Supper vibes.
5. Solid White Plates, 4-ct. Packs
$1.25 per unit
Earlier I suggested that nothing says Festival of Lights more than Round White Plastic Plate and I stand by that assessment. Alas, these white plastic plates only have a 2.5 overall rating on the site. “I wanted ceramic plates, not plastic plates,” an anonymous user wrote. “Now I’m $64 in the hole with 200 plastic plates I have no use for.” We’ve all been there, my dude. Just host a winter holiday party where the theme is “Race That People Assume All Jews Are.”
4. White Plastic Table Covers, 54×108″
$1.25 per unit
“Haven’t we already disposed of the difficulty about interaction involving a common element, when we said that mind is in a sense potentially whatever is thinkable, though actually it is nothing until it has thought?” Aristotle wrote these words in 350 B.C.E., in his treatise De Anima. He went on, “What it thinks must be in it just as characters may be said to be on a writing tablet on which as yet nothing stands written: this is exactly what happens with mind.”
With that, the great Greek philosopher essentially invented the concept of tabula rasa, the idea that we are all born a blank slate. And now, millenia later, some schmo is trying to sell me a literal blank slate table cover for Hanukkah.
3. All the Utensils!
$1.25 per unit
Do you want 48 plastic forks? What about 48 plastic spoons? Perchance I could offer you 16 white plastic forks and 16 white plastic spoons? I’ll even sweeten the deal with 16 white plastic knives! Fun fact: Nearly 38% of Dollar Tree’s Hanukkah section is powered by pure, unadulterated food implements. This is actually great if you’re hosting a Hanukkah party and want to make sure your guests are able to properly feed themselves on the cheap. And if you have extras, you could always make a Hanukkah decoration out of forks and/or knives, which is resourceful yet horrifying.
2. Pearlized White Star Shaped Foil Balloons, 18-in.
$1.50 per unit
Credit where credit is due: A balloon is actually a decoration. (The bar isn’t even the floor right now, it’s currently hurtling towards the Earth’s magma crust.) But again with the white! And you couldn’t even get a six-pointed star balloon?! Oh well, ladies, at least it’s 18 inches!
1. Blue Star-Shaped Foil Balloons, 18-in.
$1.50 per unit
And… drum roll… the coveted #1 spot on my ranking of Dollar Tree’s Hanukkah items goes to: Blue Star-Shaped Foil Balloons, 18-in! Mazel tov to you! And yasher koach for bravely being the only item that could be construed as festive! This balloon really says, “I’m not sure who decided that blue is the Jewish color, but ever since they did our people have been like, ‘OK, sure.'” And isn’t that the true meaning of Hanukkah?
