Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life — check out what our Instagram audience had to say about this week’s issue, read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
When I first moved into my partner’s flat, I didn’t ask to put my mezuzah up (my partner isn’t Jewish). Months have passed and I’m not sure how to bring it up now because I’ve left it so long. I know we’ll both be worried about the antisemitism we might face as a potential consequence of being so visibly Jewish, but I do not feel comfortable without having them on my doors. Any advice on broaching the subject would be great.
Thanks!
Hi friend! Mazel tov on moving in with your partner. That’s a big step in any relationship, and while it’s very exciting and fun, it can also provide some stressful moments and some opportunities for growth. This is one such opportunity!
Dating is really just a series of decisions we make with another person to see if we’re compatible and if we want to keep investing in each other. This goes for casual dating, serious dating, monogamous dating, polyamorous dating… regardless of your goals and priorities when it comes to dating, the decisions are always there.
There are infinite decisions when it comes to dating and relationships: Will you live together, what city will you live in, will you eventually merge finances, will you have kids, what will you order for takeout tonight, do you want a joint gym membership, which trashy reality TV will you watch together, who will take out the recycling and who will call the plumber… etc etc etc etc etc, and if you decide to spend your lives together, the decisions will only continue, literally forever!
Moving in together and choosing how to honor your religion together are two fairly major decisions in the scheme of dating, but I bring up all those other decisions (some pretty frivolous in comparison!) to hopefully deescalate the tension you feel about this conversation. Sure, these are big decisions, but making choices is just part of dating and being in relationship with another human. You haven’t done anything wrong by “leaving it so long” and “broaching the subject” is an extremely regular and reasonable thing to do. Here’s how I recommend this go down — and just for the record, this is a great script for any future decision-making conversation you and your partner will need to have!
Think about your own feelings and goals before you discuss with your partner
This is always a good first step when approaching a conversation with anyone. Figure out exactly what you’re asking your partner. In this case, it’s pretty straight-forward: You want to put a mezuzah up in your shared home. But I wonder if there are some underlying desires here, too. You say you moved in to your partner’s place — does it still sort of feel like “your partner’s place” and you just live there? How can you two work together to make it feel more like “ours” rather than “theirs”? Are there other Jewish ritual items you might like to have around the apartment (like Shabbat candlesticks, or a print by a Jewish artist)? Perhaps you two can host a housewarming for your shared new space, even if it’s not brand new for your partner, to commemorate the new shared life you’re building together.
Also, for this specific question, I’d consider if you’re comfortable with compromises or not. If your partner says, “No, I don’t want to hang a mezuzah,” will that be a deal breaker? If they suggest you hang it inside the home instead of on the external doorway, how will that feel? There’s no right or wrong answer here — many people would say “break up with this person!” if they don’t let you hang a mezuzah (and frankly, I would agree), but at the end of the day, only you can decide what’s right for you in your relationship. But you need to figure that out before approaching your partner.
Try not to make assumptions about how your partner will feel
You write in your question “I know we’ll both be worried about the antisemitism we might face as a potential consequence of being so visibly Jewish,” but are you sure about that? Has your partner shared those views before? You may be right (and you certainly are the expert on how you feel) but I would take a pause here and check in with yourself, making sure you’re not assuming how your partner will feel before you talk.
If they’re not Jewish, it probably hasn’t occurred to them that you want to put up a mezuzah. Even if they were Jewish, they may not be interested in hanging a mezuzah. Jewish rituals and customs are so personal even in their universality; even if you were living with another Jew, you may feel differently about hanging a mezuzah. So let’s say your partner hasn’t considered a mezuzah ever in their life — maybe they don’t even know what one is! This is a beautiful moment to share something special about your religion with them, and bring them closer to your Judaism.
It’s true, they may feel nervous about antisemitism you two may face. But that’s something the two of you can work through together.
Choose a time when you both feel calm and relaxed to chat
No one ever had a productive and happy conversation when they are tired, hangry or needing to pee. You shouldn’t feel like you have to tip-toe around a partner — as I said, casual and major decision making is simply part of a relationship, so you have to be able to do it pretty regularly — but there’s no reason to stage a conversation you’re nervous about in less than ideal circumstances.
So pick a time when you’re both calm and relaxed — and well-fed, and with empty bladders! — and introduce the subject. I’d be very direct and matter of fact about it. As I said, you haven’t done anything wrong. If you’re looking for a script, here’s one:
“Hey babe. I haven’t brought this up yet, but it feels really weird to be living somewhere without a mezuzah on the door. I’d like to put one up. Would you be OK with that?”
Additional script items might include:
“Oh, great question. A mezuzah is a small box that is placed on the right doorpost of Jewish homes. It provides protection to the people who live there.”
“Yeah, I do have one. We could pick a new one out together if that sounds fun, though.”
“To be honest, it does make me a little nervous to visibly show my Judaism on our home — but it makes me more uncomfortable to not have a mezuzah up. Do you want to talk through what it means to potentially be a target for antisemitism? This is going to come up more for you now, as you’re my partner, and it’s something I unfortunately have to think about as a Jew.”
Conclude with an action item and follow through
When you finish up a decision-making conversation, you should have at least one action item and a plan to execute it. If you already have a mezuzah and decided to put it up, when will that happen? Do you have the tools you need? If you’re going to buy a new mezuzah together, when will you shop for one? Right now, online? Next weekend, at a Jewish craft market? Committing to following through on the decision you’ve made builds trust and will make future big decision-making conversations less scary, because you will both know you can count on each other for follow through.
What if the conversation goes poorly?
OK, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address this — what if you do everything above and your partner is simply like, “No, you absolutely cannot put a mezuzah on our home.” Well I’m going to be honest: I personally would probably break up with this person. It sounds like your Judaism is very important to you, and that reaction would tell me: OK, this person does not care about a huge piece of who I am, and they do not want me to be comfortable in our shared home. I’m out. So yes, while I try not to be prescriptive, I do think if the answer here is “absolutely no” you should very seriously consider breaking up.
But the truth is, partnerships are tricky, and plenty of people stay in relationships that I personally think they should leave because something in it is feeding them. If I’m being completely honest, I have been guilty of this too — so sorry to everyone who weathered my on-again-off-again scenario of 2021! So be gentle with yourself, but do think about your hard boundaries when it comes to partnership. Your ask is extremely reasonable. This conversation should be a pretty easy one to set up a solid foundation for your relationship for the future! If it doesn’t go well, it may be a sign it’s time to go. But hopefully that’s not the case, and soon you and your partner will have a beautiful mezuzah hanging on the doorframe of your shared home.
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