Though I wasn’t raised observing Jewish customs, I’ve been slowly becoming more interested in cultivating my Jewish religion as I grow older. I found that Shabbat was a natural entry point, and I hoped that my husband and I would create a lifelong Shabbat tradition with his family.
But over time, my husband’s entire big Jewish family left Australia, and now our family lives in Canada, Israel and Russia. We were left alone in Australia, with no plans to leave.
We knew that the only way we could continue to exist in the Diaspora was to build solid relationships in our community. These relationships would hold us through life’s biggest milestones, and help us weather challenges as we started a family. Our biggest desire was to raise children who see their parents experiencing Jewish joy, surrounded by friends.
Finding your people and your place in the Jewish community can be daunting. If you live in an urban center with a Jewish community, there are dozens of synagogues to choose from, and as many styles and levels of observance as there are Jews. In more rural spaces or cities where not many Jewish people live, it can be hard to find even one other Jew to celebrate our religion and culture with.
Though the latter is an issue many struggle with, the former was my specific problem. I craved finding like-minded people who wanted to gather intentionally to celebrate Shabbat, while not being strictly observant. I wanted to keep the elements of Shabbat that I loved, and I wanted to regularly host and be hosted. I felt like a Jew on the fringes, trying to find my place in the Judaism of my city in Australia, hoping to establish a rich Shabbat life.
Today, after putting a lot of work into it, I have a very special community. I am confident that if you’re working from a similar predicament, you can create your own community, too. Let’s walk through how to make it happen.
Imagine your dream Shabbat
The first thing to do when looking to build a rich Shabbat social life is to imagine it. What does it look like for you? What do you want to experience on Friday evenings, on Saturday mornings and afternoons?
What I most enjoy about Shabbat is being with good friends, sharing food, singing Jewish songs like Shalom Aleikhem and maintaining Jewish rituals. And food. Did I mention food?
When I was first imagining my ideal Shabbat, it was equally important to consider what I didn’t want: the frenzy, frantic rushing and the sense of being burnt out that can accompany Shabbat preparations. Even though it is a mitzvah to work during the week and rest on Shabbat, I found it contradicted the spirit of Shabbat if I let myself get completely burned out by preparations. Often, when the food was on the table on Friday night, I was too exhausted to enjoy the fruits of my labors, or show up to socializing the way I intended. The key change was to let go of the “balabusta” expectations I had of myself. I went from doing everything myself to accepting, and asking for, help.To ease the pressure, I asked my husband to help with shopping, cleaning and some cooking. When guests asked if they could bring something — I let them. I learned that it’s perfectly OK to ask friends to bring dips or dessert, or if they come early, to help with setting the table. Most are eager to be useful and some of the best chats happen in the kitchen, while you’re stirring a pot of soup, or chopping veggies.
Find your people
Once you have a picture of what Shabbat might look like for you, it’s time to find people who are looking for the same thing.
When I realized that I needed to build a community, I was a woman on a mission. At every social gathering, when asked what I was up to, I would mention my newfound interest in Shabbat. My enthusiasm was contagious. For many people, Shabbat was a stale boring affair they sometimes went to at their parents’ house. But when I painted a picture of good food, community, long lazy Saturdays lying on the couch, talking and playing games, people perked up. You have an opportunity to define what Shabbat looks like for you, and to invite people to share your excitement.
Along the way there will be missteps and disappointments. Some people reserve Shabbat for their families. Others may just not be the right fit. Perhaps someone doesn’t take the bait when you bring it up. Some of the common pitfalls on this journey might include feelings of rejection or sensitivity, which are completely natural when putting yourself out there vulnerably. Yet over time, it’s possible to build up a network of friends who value and delight in Shabbat.
Lean on the networks you already have
Activate your networks: Ask your friends to invite you to a meal with their family or friends, or to play matchmaker pairing you with others who are looking to celebrate Shabbat the same way you are. Don’t be afraid of sharing a meal or befriending people who have a different level of observance; there is so much to learn from them. Have confidence that you bring an enriching perspective to their lives also.
Once you have some regular Shabbat friends established, ask for help when you need it. You might feel burnt out from cooking, like I once did. This is when you should ask your friends to bring challah, wine, dessert — or simply host a potluck Shabbat! Most people will reciprocate an invite, but if they don’t, feel free to suggest that you might like to experience Shabbat at theirs next time.
Take advantage of the larger Jewish community
Be in Jewish spaces. A fun Saturday tactic is to go “synagogue shopping” with a friend. So often meaningful connections are made when you explore something new; try a congregation, and hang around after services to chat.
Attend classes in your community. Trawl the newsletters or social media pages of Jewish organizations and see what they are advertising. Maybe you can attend a Hebrew or Yiddish class, or study some ancient texts, or perhaps there’s a meditative night of niggunim, or a night of Jewish comedy. The Hey Alma classifieds are also a good place to start!
If you build it, they will come
If you find yourself not completely satisfied with the offerings in your community — build something new that does entice you. Do you crave a funky Friday evening Kabbalat Shabbat service with singing and instruments? What if you hosted one in the park, or asked a local Jewish organization if you could use a room in their space?
There are so many ways to make Shabbat more meaningful. One way to deepen the meaning of the day is to try going tech-free for the 25 hour period, or simply for one meal. You could ask guests to leave their phones in the other room while you eat and chat together.
Or, try it as an experiment as a couple: What could your Friday to Saturday evening look like without your phone, laptop and TV? Have conversations with your friends and family and gather ideas for what could replace the long swaths of time that suddenly become available to you when you’re off technology. Our favourite game to follow a meal with friends is a card game that encourages conversation, such as the popular We’re Not Really Strangers. At one point I collected the most interesting questions I could think of into a Canva template, and printed and laminated my own card deck. It now comes out on Shabbat with new friends. Board games are a fun way to pass the time, too.
Do you love connecting with nature and earth-based Judaism? What if one of your meals was in the garden or a local park? Think picnic rugs, flowers, fruits, salads and a focus on how the earth has provided so much of the delicious food on our plate. Or, follow an indoor meal with a game outside or a stroll.
In terms of cooking for Shabbat, there are so many variations and adaptations you can make to suit your lifestyle. I have been to everything from the most traditional Chabad tables to vegan and vegetarian meals that have been absolutely delicious. Explore Jewish recipes and cookbooks from your own background or dip a toe into a cuisine you’ve never tried before.
Sometimes, it’s OK to be solo
The last piece of the puzzle is sometimes the hardest of all: acceptance. Accept that some Friday nights will be quieter than others. Accept that not every week you will be invited out. People in your community might not be in a position to host, or have the space or the desire to, or they may simply be overwhelmed with responsibilities.
Accept the community that you have; no community is perfect. Despite this, a community is a worthy investment. It’s a key piece of our social health as we age, and can help us weather many storms. Plus, working to build a rich Shabbat social life is just fun. And we all deserve some more fun in our lives. Shabbat shalom!
