Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
OK, so I grew up in the Boston area, where my parents still live. I now live in Chicago, and my older brother lives in New Jersey. I am 30 and single, and decided this year that I really wanted to host my first Rosh Hashanah dinner. This is something I’ve always dreamed about doing, and envisioned doing it once I had a family of my own, but I’m tired of waiting for that to happen (plus I make a really good roast chicken). I told my parents about this plan earlier this summer, and how much I’d love for them to come, but they said no because they didn’t want to travel that far. I get it, they’re in their 70s now, but I still felt bummed.
Flash forward to this week, and I just found out that they are going to my brother’s in New Jersey for Rosh Hashanah. He is married with two kids, and I can’t help but feel like they value time spent with their grandkids more than time with me. This is something I’ve felt at other times too but this instance has really driven it home for me. I also wasn’t invited to my brother’s, which everyone said was because they knew I was already planning my own thing. I understand that NJ is closer to them than Chicago, but I don’t know. It all just makes me feel like I don’t matter as much because I’m not married with kids, like I’m not worthy of my family’s attention until that happens.
I don’t want this to blow up into a thing that makes me feel even worse, so do I just move on and enjoy my holiday, or do something about it?
Oy, I’m so sorry this is happening! This is almost certainly a situation wherein the people you love are not trying to make you feel bad, but unfortunately that doesn’t change the fact that… you feel bad.
First, I want to say that I love that you decided to host your first Rosh Hashanah dinner even though you don’t have a spouse or kids. You say you’re tired of waiting to have “a family of [your] own” but I’d be willing to bet that the close friends in your life feel like family — so I’m thrilled that you’re hosting this holiday for the chosen family you have now, rather than waiting for a hypothetical family of the future. Hosting a holiday is something that should not be reserved for Jews with spouses or children! Plenty of people don’t want a partner or haven’t found the right partner yet, and plenty of people don’t want children or are unable to have children. None of those Jews should be barred from hosting their own Rosh Hashanah dinners! I also know how intimidating it can be to host your First Jewish Holiday, so I really just wanted to start by saying how proud I am of you (and maybe you’ll find this guide helpful)! Your dinner guests are so lucky to get your roast chicken. I bet there will be fantastic challah and artful table scapes, too. You are doing amazing.
But now, the rub: You wanted to include your parents in this big milestone, and they turned you down. Not only that — they’re going to celebrate with your brother and, to quote your turn of phrase, his “family of [his] own.” Ouch! Of course you feel hurt, disappointed, confused, not worthy or like you don’t matter. Whether we like it or not, many of us really rely on our parents for approval and guidance. Your letter makes it clear that your parents’ actions have made you feel, over and over, like you don’t have their approval until your life looks more like your brother’s. That’s really tough. I have a few thoughts about how to move forward from this situation, and they’re not “blowing up” or “just moving on.” I’m going to advocate for something in the middle.
Tell Your Parents How You Feel
I’m not giving your folks a free pass, especially since you say this is a pattern, but I do want to gently point out that people we love can’t know how we feel until we tell them.
When you told your parents about your Rosh Hashanah plans for this year, did you make it clear how much it would mean to you to have them present? OK, Chicago is far and air travel is awful, but surely they sometimes visit you in the city you now call home? (If not, this is a great time to bring that up, too!) So if they’re going to visit you at some point, why not include a Jewish holiday in the mix? I would like to believe that if you genuinely shared with your parents why this holiday felt so important to you, and why you’d really like them to be involved in your life for the day-to-day stuff as well as the milestones (that you may or may not embark on at a later date), they will be able to hear you and understand why this matters. I don’t think you need to give them an itemized list of all the times you feel they prioritized your brother and his kids over spending time with you, but I do think opening up and being a little vulnerable can go a long way.
Is there a particular visit your parents made that stands out as something you loved? Tell them how much you enjoyed that. Is there something that used to be your special activity with your mom that it would make sense to take part in together again? Let her know you miss doing it together and you would really like to get back into that groove.
Like I said, I’m not saying you don’t have the right to be hurt, and I’m not saying it wouldn’t be nice if your parents had intuited this on their own. But when someone we love can’t see their actions are hurting us, it’s doing everyone a favor to let them know and give them the opportunity to change course.
Accept That Your Parents Are Very Excited About Their Grandchildren
All of that said — your parents probably are very excited about their grandchildren, and that is something you kind of just need to accept. I welcome you to feel your feelings about it, and perhaps even seek out a therapist to work through these emotions with, but I do think it will ease your pain about this if you work toward acceptance.
Every child is only young once. It often feels like children grow quickly, and many grandparents would give anything to witness as much of their grandchild’s early years as possible. I have friends whose parents fully moved to live in the same city as their grandchildren. Grandparents — especially Jewish grandparents — are famously obsessed with their grandchildren! I don’t think this means they value their time with their grandkids more than they value their time with you — and I don’t mean to undermine the hurt that feeling can bring up. I’m just trying to frame it in a different way. You are an adult; your parents sort of have a basic outline of who “You” are, in so much as any of us can really ever know the other (lol). They probably don’t yet have that same basic outline for their grandkids. Every new smile, every new word, every new joke, every new thought — it’s all so new. Yes, even if the kids are 11 or 12 or 13. Kids are just so brand new! It’s wild.
The good news is, you can accept that your parents are obsessed with their grandkids without blowing things up or pushing things under the rug. The way to do that is through clear and open communication.
Work Together With Your Parents to Change the Narrative
Take some time before you talk to your parents about this to really think about what you want to say. Sometimes familial conflict doesn’t encourage us to show up as our best selves — there are too many core wounds to do our best. But if your family has the foundation of love that I suspect is present based on you even writing in about this, you are going to want to try your very best.
Don’t accuse your folks of only caring about their grandkids, and don’t throw your brother under the bus either. Simply state your own needs and wants. Let your parents know that you love them, you miss them, and you really want them to see the life you’re building in Chicago. I think you need to let Rosh Hashanah go (just because of timing and organization) but what’s the next Jewish holiday you could plan for together? Would you be open to taking on the Passover seder (!) and if so, could you start planning now as a family — possibly including your brother, his spouse and their kids? Try to think about things expansively, too. You seem hurt that you weren’t invited to your brother’s for Rosh Hashanah, but it doesn’t seem like you invited him either. Is there a way to negotiate holidays on a family group thread so everyone gets some time to host and some time to be a guest? Or perhaps the Jewish holidays are not where you’ll find special time with your parents because they’re too committed to staying close(r) to home — in that case, maybe you could plan something special for just the three of you to do another time.
At the end of the day, you can’t force adults to do anything they don’t want to do, and it’s possible your parents won’t meet you where you’re at or change their behavior at all. If that’s the case, I’d advise you to continue leaning into your chosen family even harder, and work on accepting your parents as they are. But I really hope that’s not the case. I am hopeful that if you bring your open heart to your parents, they will want to work with you to change the narrative you currently have about your family and your worth.
Host a Really Fantastic Rosh Hashanah
My last piece of advice: No matter what happens, do not let this get you down for Rosh Hashanah this year anymore. Hopefully your familial patterns will change their shape in the future, and hopefully you and your parents have many open-hearted conversations coming your ways. But for this year, they are going to celebrate Rosh Hashanah with your brother and his kids in New Jersey, and you’re going to host the most amazing Rosh Hashanah dinner for your friends in Chicago. You deserve to enjoy yourself, receive praise about your really good roast chicken and start the new year with apples, honey and all the sweetness you can dream up. There’s plenty of time for hard conversations later. It’s time to eat a round challah, now.
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