Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey Hey Alma,
I’m currently very happily engaged to an NJB. He has two brothers and both of them are in long term relationships with non-Jewish girls. I do not have an issue with them dating non-Jewish girls. But I have anxiety that if they end up marrying these girls, they will forget their Jewish traditions. I have such good memories as a child spending all the Jewish holidays with my aunts, uncles and cousins. I want the same for my children. Both brothers seem to care about their Judaism but typically religion is passed through the mother and I’m not sure they’ll continue to care if they marry these girls. How can I feel less anxious about this situation? I genuinely like these girls and want the brothers to be happy, but I also want my children to have a similar Jewish upbringing that me and my fiancé both had.
— Worried About The Future
Hi, Worried. Mazel tov on your engagement! That’s very exciting, and I’m wishing you and your NJB a really beautiful Jewish lifetime together.
Now, onto your question. The good news is, I think you are creating a problem that doesn’t exist. The bad news is, that means the only way to deal with your anxiety is to do some self-work, and that’s tough. But more good news: Working on your self is way easier than inserting yourself into other people’s relationships. So I think we’ve got some net good to work with here.
Let’s begin with the “creating a problem that doesn’t exist” portion of today’s conversation. Huge news: Interfaith families exist! I’m sure you didn’t mean to invalidate all interfaith families with your question, but it is really concerning to me that you’re making assumptions about how these Jewish men will continue to celebrate and honor their Judaism if they end up marrying non-Jewish women. You are experiencing anxiety over a hypothetical issue that may or may not come to fruition, but a lot of people in our community experience real anxiety over the very material judgements and marginalization they experience as patrilineal Jews. So I do find it very, very important to state upfront: Interfaith families who celebrate Judaism in meaningful ways are real, their Judaism is valid and it’s not up to you or anyone else to judge them.
The truth is, you do not have control over the ways your brothers-in-law choose to continue honoring their Jewish traditions. You do not have control over this if they marry non-Jewish women, and you also do not have control over this if they marry Jewish women. This may sound harsh, but I really think you need to hear it, so I trust that you will know I’m saying it with love: The relationships of your fiancé’s brothers (and frankly anyone who is not you or your fiancé) is none of your business. It’s lovely that you want them to be happy, and I’m glad you like these women because you’re right, they may become your extended family one day. But even if you didn’t want your fiancé’s brothers to be happy, even if you hated these women… it would not matter. Because your opinion about these men and their love lives is not yours to worry about. Like I said, I know that sounds harsh, but I really mean it as a blessing. You do not need to worry about this. It is not yours to worry about. Put it down. Let it go.
Now, if I may be so bold, I think we should get to the underlying anxiety of your question. The question underneath the question, my therapist may say. The thing you’re really worried about is providing your children with a meaningful relationship to their Judaism, something you and your husband both experienced and value and want to continue. And, if I may be so complimentary: That’s beautiful. You write: “I have such good memories as a child spending all the Jewish holidays with my aunts, uncles and cousins. I want the same for my children.” That is genuinely so wonderful! I want the same for your children, too! And here, I have some more good news: You and your future husband are completely in control of making this happen.
Gifting your children the joy of Judaism does not hinge on your extended family. I think you’re choosing to fixate on this specific issue of your fiancé’s brothers dating non-Jewish women because it gives the illusion of control to worry about this one piece of the puzzle, but it’s just that: an illusion. Like I said — and it really does bear repeating, boldly and frequently — interfaith families exist in the Jewish community and patrilineal Jews are Jews. You may truly be worrying about something that never comes to fruition. (And, it should be said — these dudes could absolutely marry Jewish women who don’t have meaningful relationships to their faith and choose to pull back on their own levels of observance because of that. This is not something that is specific to marrying a non-Jewish women. This is just how life works, and we can’t control the choices the people around us make about their religious practices. A useful thing to meditate on!)
But let’s say your brothers-in-law do end up being less tied to Judaism and the traditions they were raised with, whether they marry these particular women or not. You can still foster really meaningful Jewish values in your own home, and instill that in your children.
I wonder if what you’re really worried about is how to do that. Feeling anxiety about the future of family Jewish holidays is a useful foil if you’re concerned that there is no perfect blueprint for you and your fiancé to raise children who feel proud and joyful about their Judaism. And that is a perfectly valid thing to feel anxious about. I want to encourage you to expand your vision of what raising Jewish children can look like. Will you observe Shabbat in your home? Will you send them to Jewish day school or to Hebrew school? Will you join a synagogue? Do you already belong to one? What does their children’s programming look like? Do you have a wide circle of Jewish friends? Do they have kids or plan to have kids? What will you discuss at home? Do you have thoughts on how to address antisemitism in age-appropriate ways? Will you host family holidays? Will you reach out to your extended family to join you in those celebrations, even if they choose not to host them or not to observe Judaism in the exact way you want to with your kids? Could you celebrate holidays with friends?
Spend some time with these questions. Journal about them. Talk to your fiancé about them when the time feels right. Really consider them. I think doing this self-work will alleviate a lot of the anxiety you’re feeling, and I hope this helps you realize it’s not really anxiety about your fiancé’s brothers and who they do or don’t marry in the future. It never was.
