Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
I’m so angry, and I need someone to validate how I’m feeling! For the past six years, my friends and I have done Friendsgiving together. It started when we were in college, and many of us stayed in the same city after graduation and kept the tradition alive. It’s a huge gathering, there are usually 20 of us at least, and over the years we’ve all brought dates, friends, sometimes even our moms! Our friend Michelle always hosts because she has the nicest, largest apartment. I always make mashed potatoes with sour cream — it’s my thing.
This year, Michelle’s girlfriend moved in with her, which is fine, except a few weeks ago they sent out the invite for our Friendsgiving… and announced that it would be 100% kosher, because Michelle’s gf is strictly kosher. Since turkey is a given, that means no dairy. I’m lost. Why should the rest of us have to keep kosher just because one person — who wasn’t even an original member of the gathering! — keeps kosher?! Over the years some of our friends have become vegetarian or vegan, but they just don’t eat the stuff that doesn’t work with their diet — they don’t force their opinions on the rest of us! Honestly, this is making me not even want to go to Friendsgiving. How can I tell Michelle and her girlfriend that they’re ruining the holiday season?
— Mashed Potato Maven
Dear Maven,
Yikes. Babe, I’m going to level with you here — you’re the one ruining the holiday season with this terrible attitude. I’m so sorry you’re this angry (about… mashed potatoes?) but I’m definitely not going to validate the feelings you shared in this letter. I’m warning you up front: If you’re looking for someone to agree with you wholeheartedly, I am not your girl!
Now. If you’d like a little reality check (and to hopefully salvage your beautiful friendships of 6+ years and your Friendsgiving experience) please do keep reading!
Let’s review what’s going on. Your dear friend Michelle, who has generously hosted a large gathering for your nearest and dearest for more than half a decade, is now dating someone she likes enough to cohabitate with. She is bringing her girlfriend into the fold of your friend group, as well as enveloping her into her world as a whole. Being kosher is clearly important to her girlfriend, and so your friend has made sure to prioritize that. It sounds like Michelle may be keeping a kosher house now too, but even if she’s not, she clearly wants her girlfriend to feel at home in her, you know, home. This is all fabulous news and frankly, has nothing to do with you. Keeping kosher is really important to many Jewish people, and I think we can all agree that honoring the way different Jews practice their Judaism is a good thing.
It’s cool that your veggie and vegan friends were content just working around the dishes they couldn’t eat in previous years, but they probably would’ve really appreciated if the entire meal was suitable for them to eat. As someone who has had different dietary restrictions over the course of my 35 years on this planet and lives in Portland, OR (home of a million queers with a million dietary restrictions to match) I can say that while it’s fine to eat around a meal that’s not explicitly catered to your needs, it’s way more pleasant to eat a meal where you (and everyone!) can partake in every dish. The spirit of the holidays, especially Friendsgiving, is one of community and togetherness. Why would you want to insist on a meal that excludes one of the people trying to celebrate with you?
I think different people will have different perspectives on the issue of if it’s a huge burden to change a traditional meal from the way it has always been prepared to a kosher feast. I personally don’t think it’s a huge ask to keep a meal dairy-free (use vegan butter in your mashed potatoes and call it a day!) but I also understand that food and ritual carry a lot of significance to many of us, and changing things up or not respecting a tradition can feel awful. That said, regardless of one’s personal opinion on if the menu switch-up is the end of the world or not, I do think we can all agree that your outlook is not very generous, not very friendly and not very thankful.
It’s really reasonable for Michelle and her kosher girlfriend to expect the meals prepared and eaten in their home to follow the religious boundaries of their home. If you desperately want the meal to include milk and meat, you could offer to host the gathering at your place next year — but be prepared to explain why (in a polite way!) and also be prepared that if Michelle and her girlfriend’s place is larger than yours and better suited for the occasion, everyone may be confused by the suggestion and insist on keeping the location at the kosher home.
I guess my real question is: Why would you let something as small as a request for kosher food potentially harm 6+ years of friendship? No one is forcing anything on you — except the request to be a polite guest and honor the religious restrictions of a person you love and the person she loves in their own home. It sounds like you have a large, close, loving circle of friends who make a point to spend time together. You have the means to enjoy a huge feast together every year. You’ll be kicking off your holiday season with camaraderie, love and maybe even some dairy-free mashed potatoes. The world is so bleak these days. You have so much joy in your life anyway.
Please, I beg of you — do not tell your loved ones that the way they practice their Judaism is ruining the holiday season. Instead, say thank you.
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