Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
My husband and I live in the same city as his grandmother and her three kids (including his mom). Naturally, his mom, aunt and grandmother worked out holiday hosting years ago. Because my parents are not Jewish and because we live close by, we’ve been attending all of his family’s holidays for years.
The problem is that we’ve wanted to lead one of these holidays for a while — particularly Passover, because the educational aspect of a seder is all the more meaningful now that we have a kid. Also, while I didn’t grow up Jewish, cooking and prepping for holidays was a big part of my childhood and a tradition I’d really like to continue with my family.
We thought we had a good opportunity to establish a toehold last year when my husband’s aunt wasn’t able to host Passover. We offered to host instead, but his mom ended up hosting. We think there’s some reluctance (even if it’s subconscious) to let the “kids” direct a holiday. We’re pretty sure we’d be allowed to host a holiday at our house if it were a carbon copy of previous holidays, from dishes to the guest list, which includes parents’ friends, to the haggadah his family has been using forever. But we’d like to start incorporating other traditions, other dishes and inviting my family, which is going to make the already long guest list unwieldy.
How do we begin to establish our own traditions (and host holidays) when the expectation is that we’ll go with the flow and keep attending holidays the way we always have?
— I’d Like This Night to Be Different From All Other Nights!
Dear Different From All Other Nights,
I have a solution. To establish your own traditions and host holidays, you must… establish your own traditions and host holidays. I don’t mean to be glib, but as I’ve pondered your question, I kept coming to the same conclusion. You and your husband want to start hosting Jewish holidays. So, you must start hosting Jewish holidays. Sometimes the best solution is the most obvious one.
But what’s the catch, I hear you asking. You’ve already explained that you’d only be “allowed” to host if it was identical to the holidays your husband’s matriarchy has created in the past. And yes, of course there is a catch. In this scenario I’m proposing, there’s a possibility that your older family members will refuse to attend the holiday you’re hosting and insist on maintaining the status quo. And if this happens, then they will continue to host their holidays, and you will host your holiday. Separately.
The scenario of holiday hosting organization you’ve described makes total sense. Of course a mother and her daughter(s and/or daughter-in-law) have figured out a hosting schedule that works for them. And sure, perhaps they have some reservations about letting the “kids” take the reigns. (The cynical part of me worries that there’s also some underlying judgement that you and your husband are an interfaith family. You don’t mention any negative comments from your in laws, so I hope this is not the case, but if it is, it’s all the more reason to follow my advice.) But part of existing in a family is realizing that things change, and eventually, the “kids” are not so young anymore, and might want to do things their own way. And part of the joy of growing and changing as a family is being open to this change. The older women of your family organized things in a way that made sense years ago. Their system no longer makes total sense. It’s time for a shift.
Passover is so close (April 12!) that I have a feeling my advice might be too late for this year. Anyone hosting a seder has likely already invited their guests, made their shopping list and started getting their house in order. But that gives you a full year to brainstorm, get on the exact same page with your husband and introduce this shift to the family with plenty of time for them to get used to it.
First and foremost, you and your husband need to align your vision. It sounds like you both want to host an annual seder, but maybe you want to host other holidays, too. You mention wanting to invite new people (your family, which makes sense, but maybe also other friends with kids, etc.) and to create new traditions. Get really granular about what your ideal Jewish holiday celebrations would look like. Figure out your ideal guest list — would it be OK to invite the whole extended family, and just not the extra family friends his parents usually invite? Are you OK with his mom bringing her seder plate, or is there one that is meaningful to you that you’d prefer to use? Could you use both? I emphasize this step because in this endeavor, it’s very important that you and your husband are a team. It’s his mom, and his extended family, that you are suggesting a big familial change for. He needs to not only be on board, but understand that he might be the one taking the brunt of the pushback, or advocating for you and your family.
I’d personally start small, with one holiday: the seder. Let your family know, in good time, that you and your husband will be hosting a seder next year. Do not ask. You are not young children who need permission. This is a statement, not a question. Express everything you’ve shared with me — that you know there’s a tradition in place, and you understand, but it’s also very important to you to create new traditions for your child and for your selves, and that things will be a bit different next year. Let them know who is invited, make it clear who is not invited (sorry to your in-laws’ friends!) and then let them know you understand if they’d prefer to continue hosting their own seder. You can say something like: “As our child gets older, we want to create our own traditions around Jewish holidays. It’s also important to us to be able to invite both of our family’s. We’re going to host the seder at our house this year. We’d love for you to come; are you able to?” Their reaction will guide your next steps.
In an ideal world, they surprise you and accept! Sometimes the difference between asking vs. stating can be enough to shift an outcome. Maybe their friends also have kids who would like to start hosting their own seders, and this will be a welcome shift for everyone involved.
But if they protest or flat out refuse to come? No problem. You and your husband (a team, remember) can calmly say: “OK, totally understand. We’d love to celebrate with you, but if it’s important to you to continue hosting, we get it. We won’t be attending, as we’ll be hosting our own seder. But we’re excited to spend the High Holidays together at your house.” And then you stand firm in your decision.
Alternatively, perhaps you can negotiate at this juncture. After all, many Jews celebrate two nights of Passover, and perhaps there is space for the older members of your family to host their typical seder on Night 1 and you and your husband to host your own seder on Night 2, or vice versa. It certainly doesn’t have to be an all or nothing approach. But the reason I suggest such firm boundaries in the first place is because from the way your letter is written, it sounds like you and your husband feel a little trapped, and I want to empower you to feel differently.
Yes, it’s common in Jewish families for everyone to celebrate every holiday together and for the older adults to remain in charge as long as they want to. But it’s also common to compromise in families. I rarely spend Hanukkah with my mom, because it usually falls around Christmas and we spend that holiday with my wife’s family. But on the other hand, my mom no longer hosts a seder and she often flies across the country to attend mine. It’s not perfect — I wish I could spend every holiday, every Shabbat, every day with my mom — but we make it work. Just because things have been done a certain way by your husband’s family for decades, doesn’t mean you have to continue doing things like that.
I hope you have a meaningful Passover this year, no matter if you’re hosting or not, and I hope my advice helps you prepare for Passover next year — when you will absolutely be hosting, because you and your husband want to, and that is reason enough to do it, no permission from anyone else necessary.
