Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey Alma! I’m Jewish and my boyfriend isn’t. This is my first relationship, and we’ve been dating for over a year. I love him, but my mom is incredibly upset that I’m not dating a Jewish guy. She won’t even speak to him, even though he’s tried so hard to be friendly with her. It hurts his feelings. It’s also tricky for me to wrap my head around; he’s perfect except for the fact that he’s not Jewish. I don’t want to celebrate Christmas (another issue here) and I want to raise my kids Jewish. I’d love if he converted, but he has to want that, and I don’t think he does. He’s perfect though. I feel like he’s my soulmate. What do I do????
Oy! First of all, mazel tov on finding such a wonderful person to date. Your boyfriend sounds lovely and I’m so happy you’re spending time with someone who is perfect for you. But your mom — what do we do about her?
Let’s contextualize this
I’ll begin by saying that I wish I had a little more information here. You say it’s your first relationship, which makes me wonder about your age. My advice on this would differ a little if you’re 19, in college and experiencing your first serious relationship vs. if you’re 34, living across the country from your family and considering marrying this man. That is not to say that a 19-year-old can’t end up marrying the first person she’s in a serious relationship with — I’m open to all potential relationship paths. It just would be clarifying to understand the dynamics, both between you and your boyfriend and you and your mother.
For the sake of this advice column, I’m going to make an assumption that you’re on the younger side. This is partially because I want to talk about a parent’s capacity to grow (and how to guard your heart and your boyfriend’s feelings during this growth period), and partially because I’ve already given quite a bit of advice about how to deal with parents who behave inappropriately toward a non-Jewish spouse or fiancée. Today’s quandary, situated as your very first relationship and perhaps not one your mother sees ending in marriage, gives us some more interesting dynamics to dive into. Shall we?
Figure out how you feel
This question seems to be mostly about your mom and her feelings about your boyfriend’s religion, but also a little bit about you and your feelings about your boyfriend’s religion. Managing your mom’s opinion and behavior is one thing (and I have a lot to say about that in just a moment) but arguably more importantly is figuring out your own feelings about this. I’m a Jewish woman who married a non-Jewish woman who decided to convert but then did not actually move forward with conversion classes, and we consider ourselves a Jewish family and also we celebrate Christmas (along with all the Jewish holidays!). That works for us, and is frankly not something we think about much. I imagine this would be different for me if her family was more religious, or if my family was more religious, or if either of us felt alienated by the other’s religion. But for our circumstances, it’s simply not too big of a deal, and our Jewish home (with a dash of Christmas cheer) brings us both peace and happiness.
That may be the case for you, or it may be more challenging for you to settle down with someone who isn’t Jewish. I’d encourage you to give this some deep thought, to allow for the possibility that your feelings can and probably will change over a lifetime, and to bring it up with your boyfriend. If you two are considering sharing a life together, figuring out what religion you’ll raise your kids is a pretty important step! And asking him about his thoughts on conversion is totally reasonable, as long as you don’t put any expectations on him. Many, many interfaith couples exist and share joyful, meaningful, happy lives together. The important thing here is figuring out what feels good and right to you (and frankly, it sounds like your relationship with your boyfriend is it!), and not being influenced by your mom’s opinion and behavior. Once you’ve gotten clear with yourself, you can tackle the issue with your mom.
Set up a time to talk to your mom
Your mom is being unreasonable. Let’s start there. Having an opinion about who your child dates is fine and expected. Refusing to speak to someone who has been making your child happy for more than 365 days? Sorry, that’s actually unacceptable! I’m sure you’ve already tried talking to your mom, but you need to give it another go (that is, if you want to maintain a relationship with her, which, based on you writing in to ask for advice, I assume you do).
Actually, unfortunately, this may be a series of ongoing conversations. Someone who is having such big feelings about her child dating a non-Jewish person that she refuses to speak to the guy is probably not going to compromise easily. But you must put in the effort if you want a continued relationship with your mother. So annoying, I know. I’m sorry.
Make a date with your mom and let her know you have a specific important topic of conversation to bring to this meeting. I suggest doing something you usually enjoy doing together: get tea at your favorite cafe, bake something together and enjoy it in your mom’s kitchen or go on a walk at the nearby reservoir. Make sure you’re both well-fed and well-rested, and that you don’t have any other pressing engagements to interfere with your time together. Put away your cell phones. Lean into the love in your relationship. Set yourselves up for success! Then let her know what’s on your heart.
Really listen to your mom…
I’ve shared this before while giving advice, but it bears repeating: When I first came out as queer 15 years ago, my mom was not thrilled. She was never rude to my partners — in fact, I was always really moved by how kind and accepting she was toward them, even when I knew she was struggling with my identity — but she definitely wasn’t happy that I was a lesbian. Some of that was because she worried I was making my life harder; some of that was because her own expectations and hopes and dreams were being challenged. You say your mom is worried that you’ll celebrate Christmas, but actually you don’t want to, and you do want to raise your kids Jewish. When I first came out, my mom shared she was scared she would not have grandchildren, and I was able to assure her that coming out as gay did not mean I didn’t want kids — I do, and always have, very much want to be a mom.
I share this both because it’s a nice story about how people who love us can change — my mom is very much obsessed with my wife now, and has been supportive and generous with all my exes of the past 15 years, even the ones who frankly did not deserve her generosity! — and also because it highlights how misconceptions can exacerbate really big feelings for people, especially our moms. But change doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen from ignoring the issue. You have to really listen to your mom. Ask her to share her feelings. Ask her how she imagines this ending. Ask her about her fears. Take it all in. Don’t just wait for your turn to respond. Really, really listen to her.
Frankly, that’s hard advice, and not advice I myself was able to take when I was 19! But if you can do it, I strongly encourage it. Everyone wants to feel heard.
…then make your own boundaries clear
Once your mom has outlined all of her feelings/fears/concerns, it’s your turn to share your perspective. You want to maintain a close relationship with your mom, but the way she treats your boyfriend is not OK. So what can you share with her? Duh, if you’ve been reading my advice for even one week, you know what I’m going to say: boundaries!
You must make it clear to your mom that while you love her and care about her, you are not willing to let her behave any way she pleases around people you also love and care about (or perhaps, in general!). She may think you’re young, will change your mind, that he’s not really your soulmate. She may think that if she makes you both miserable enough, you’ll ditch him and find a Jewish boyfriend instead. As I stated up top — that is unacceptable. We are all adults. We do not throw temper tantrums when our grown children do not make the choices we want them to make. Absolutely not!
So if your mom can’t be the adult in the room at this moment, you have to be. Lay things out clearly for her: You hear her fears and concerns, some of them are unfounded, and yet regardless — she does not have control over your love life. Let her know how much it hurts your feelings that she refuses to accept your boyfriend, the man you call your soulmate! And let her know the consequences of her behavior. You will have to decide what those consequences are — they could range from “I don’t want to talk on the phone every day if you never ask about Boyfriend kindly” to “We won’t be celebrating Rosh Hashanah at your house if you refuse to acknowledge Boyfriend” to “I need some space from you until you are able to work through your feelings and treat me with respect for my autonomy.” Not all boundaries have to be carved into stone; my therapist talks a lot about “soft boundaries” and I think those can be helpful, too. A soft boundary may look like a reminder: “When you don’t ask me about Boyfriend, I will volunteer info on my own. If you aren’t receptive to that, I’m unavailable to talk about my love life with you, but I’m still happy to chat on the phone about other things.”
Give your mom time, but give your boyfriend your loyalty
To be totally honest, this is your mom’s issue to work through. The best thing you can do in this situation is rely on your support systems outside of your boyfriend to work through how painful a parent acting this way can be, and keep working on your relationship with your mom. I talk a lot about “foundations of love” in family structures because I really believe that can be a great place from which to do the work. Your mom’s current behavior is unacceptable, but hopefully, it’s coming from a place of love. That’s not nothing.
But at the end of the day, your relationship with your boyfriend — especially if he really is your soulmate — is going to be your priority. You can work on giving your mom time and space to come around to your partner, but don’t put that work on him. Shield him from your mom’s rude behavior by not making him attend family events, assuring him that you are working with your mom behind the scenes to move through this, and inviting him to Jewish spaces where he is welcome and appreciated. The best way to avoid allowing a parent to chase away a perfect partner is to take the burden of your parent off your partner.
And here’s the thing — if you are young, as I assumed, and you don’t end up marrying this perfect boyfriend… there will be more partners in the future, and there’s a chance your mom will find things to dislike about those boyfriends, too. This is not an issue about this particular boyfriend, whether he’s the one you spend the rest of your life with or not. This is an issue about your mom, her actions, the two of you and your relationship, and the frameworks and boundaries you need to establish to have a healthy, loving mother/daughter relationship for the rest of your life. That work is worth doing, Boyfriend or No Boyfriend. But it is not swift at all, so settle in for the long haul. It will be worth it.
I wish you both luck, and I hope in 15 years you’re telling a very different story.
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