Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
This is a somewhat humiliating ask, but I’m not sure what else to do. I’m a Jewish woman in my mid-20s who has been single for three years now, living in NYC and looking to enter a longterm relationship with a Jewish, non-observant partner. It’s hard not to feel the tiniest bit of loathing watching all of my friends in relationships gradually move in with their partners while I sit on the couch scrolling through my Hinge (set to “just Jews” and showing me the same 20 people I already know and do not yearn for).
In short: I’ve tried the apps, begged my friends to set me up with mutuals, attended my local synagogue’s (often awkward and not well-attended ) social events, and even agreed to speak with a Jewish matchmaker over Zoom. Nothing’s resulted in anything even remotely promising. Do I just give up and pray that my bashert will just magically find me? Open to any and all suggestions!
— Lonely on Valentine’s Day (and Every Other Day)
Dear Lonely,
Oof. Your letter punched me in the gut because I remember that lonely, lightly loathing feeling so vividly. “Vanessa, you’re married and live in Portland with your wife and your dog,” you may be saying, glaring at your computer screen and wondering what the fuck I know. And that’s so fair — 26-year-old me would’ve said the exact same thing to a wifed-up 36-year-old homebody lesbian like myself. But I too have lived in NYC in my 20s, lonely and fairly convinced I’d be Alone Forever. We are not so different! I don’t necessarily have foolproof advice, but in the spirit of this day of (Hallmark-created) love, I have a pep talk for you, for my younger self and for anyone else who feels lonely today and every other day.
Delete the apps. Stop asking friends to set you up. Let yourself off the hook for synagogue social events. Do not pay another matchmaker. Not because these things don’t have the potential to work, and not because you’re accepting a life of solitude at the ripe young age of 25ish, but because you need a break. A hard reset, if you will. And the break is not so that you can then jump back into the hell that is dating, but rather to allow yourself to just exist for a moment. I want you to create love for yourself and in your life that is not tied up in romance.
I know that is a sort of impossible ask at this moment, when you are lonely and craving intimacy or maybe even just some reasonably attractive rando to exchange candy hearts with. But the thing is, I cannot promise that rando is going to arrive, and I can’t promise things will eventually evolve into your own moving-in-together moment, and I definitely cannot promise that your bashert will find you, magically or not. But I can promise one thing: You will always have love in your life if you choose to cultivate it. I’m so sorry to be corny — I’m sorry!!! — but it’s true. And while the antidote to Not Having A Boy/Girl/Theyfriend is Having A Boy/Girl/Theyfriend (annoying!), the antidote to loneliness is actually just love. Doesn’t matter what kind.
I’m talking about loving your friends. Creating community and chosen family with groups and individuals and dreaming of growing old together. Looking for other people who aren’t in serious relationships with whom to create love and intimacy. Date your friends. Invest in your futures together. Make plans, go on vacations, go to couples therapy together! Connect with your family of origin if you’re close with them. Not to be that bummer of a girl with a dead dad, but you really don’t know how much time you have left with your parents. Be loud about your love for them if your relationship is good. Build on it. Sorry to be a cliche, but call your mom! Get a pet. Also not kidding. Do you know who wants to create the hugest most expansive love in the world with you? A tiny dog. Looking for a less encompassing, more avoidant kind of love? May I recommend a cat? Take up a new hobby and fall in love with it. Reconnect with your passions and let love run through an art practice, a sports practice, a nature practice, anything that feels good.
None of these things are going to hurry your bashert up in the whole finding you process, but they are going to expand your life and make it so you have multiple sources of love flowing through your mind/heart/soul at all times. Cultivating a life filled with love does not remove the urge for sexual intimacy (that’s what casual hook ups are for!), but it does take up a lot of the space you’re currently spending yearning (or yearning to yearn, I suppose) and it does mitigate some of the jealousy you feel as others build their futures with their beloveds. You have a future to build, too, with much love in it. And the best part of this version of your love-filled future? You’re in charge of creating it. You’re not waiting on anyone else. You can make it happen with the relationships and the self-worth you have right this very moment.
Approximately four years ago, at the height of one of my loneliest spells, which coincided with the height of my Instagram addiction, I posted a question on my story: Tell me something about love, I asked the void. The void wrote back many, many answers. Here are some I think might inspire you today:
My capacity to love is my super power.
Love is ever changing.
Love can give you the perspective and capacity to reimagine what is possible.
I’m finding that it’s an act rather than a state.
It’s more radical than the mainstream! For partners, pals and the earth who loves us too.
There are so many different types of love, and it is never static.
Lean into it in all its endless forms!!
About 12 months after I posed that question, I met my wife. Or I should say, re-met her — we’d been casual acquaintance friends for 10 years prior. But one day we just looked at each other a little differently, and the rest of the story wrote itself. I don’t say that to be glib about your circumstances right now, or to pretend that the way my love story unspooled is the way things go for everyone. As I said — I cannot make any promises about your bashert. But I will say, I really didn’t see my wife coming. I did not envision my life at 36 as it looks today. I never lived with a partner before my wife, even though I had a couple of serious girlfriends. She surprised me.
But my life was very full of love even before she showed up, because I made myself cultivate it even when I lived by my lonesome, even when I was most lonely — especially then.
Take a break from actively looking for your bashert. Consider that your bashert may be out there taking a break from the dating scene, too. And then make the choice to fill your life with love anyway. Not because “love shows up when you least expect it.” Not because you’re filling a live-in-partner-shaped hole. But because you deserve a life filled with love, and there are so many ways to create that even when you’re single. I do think the future could surprise you. Life is long, and while it’s easy to feel behind (in everything, not just love) in your 20s, the truth is you have time. But for now, that’s not the point. For now, fill your own cup, and then fill it again. Happy Valentine’s Day.
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