Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
I’ve been struggling with how to handle Christmas in my home for years, and I think this is the year I have to make a final decision.
My husband and I are both Jewish and we have a 2-year-old, who is finally understanding holidays and traditions. She goes to Jewish preschool and is being raised exclusively Jewish. From the outside looking in, you would think Christmas celebrations would not be a consideration in our home. However, BOTH my husband and I were raised Jewish in interfaith homes and have fond memories growing up of both Hanukkah and Christmas celebrations. Being Jewish in an interfaith home is a unique and special identity, and we both feel blessed to know and love traditions from both sides of our families — it’s one of the things that bonded us when we started dating.
When I was growing up, the season was a magical time. My dad loved decorating the tree with his late father’s ornaments (that I now have) and baking the classic Italian Christmas recipes he grew up with. Christmas wasn’t about Christianity or Santa or presents; it was about tradition and family. Hanukkah was treated as a minor holiday (because it is a minor holiday!), but I vividly remember playing dreidel with my siblings for the gelt we’d get almost every night.
My husband has no issues celebrating Christmas with our daughter. As much as I’d like to experience my favorite Christmas traditions with her and any future kids, I think it will be confusing and contradictory to her Jewish identity as she grows up. Am I overthinking this?
— ‘Tis The Season…?
OK, my very short answer: Yes. You are definitely overthinking this. Break out the heirloom ornaments and the classic recipes, babe, ’tis very much the season!
But also, OK, no one who clicks on this column is here for my brevity. You know this bossy Capricorn Jew loves to gab. So let’s get into it. What’s going on for you as you work through these tricky feelings, and how should all of what’s sitting just under the surface impact how your family celebrates the winter holidays?
You and your husband are both Jewish, and you’re raising your daughter Jewish, too. It sounds like that’s important to you and your husband, and you’ve both created a world for your child where she understands her Judaism very well. If memory serves, a huge part of Jewish preschool is learning the holidays and traditions of Judaism, as well as learning that one belongs to the religion, so I feel confident that your daughter is not only getting educated about what it means to be Jewish, but she probably feels very secure in her Judaism in an age-appropriate way.
So will celebrating Christmas confuse her (and any potential siblings) either now or later? Honestly, probably not. Children are more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for, and while nuance is not necessarily the top characteristic I’d assign the average 2-year-old, an existential crisis about their religious identity is also not a defining feature of the age. If you want to introduce this family tradition in your home, I think you and your husband can just agree on a party line age-appropriate explanation and not worry too much. Plenty of people do things one specific way at home and never think twice about if it’s weird or different, because we tend to just assume that’s how things are — I’m sure if you think about it you have childhood memories of absolutely wild revelations like “Not everyone’s family cuts off the crusts on sandwiches?!” or “Some people keep their shoes on in the house?!” It’s possible your daughter won’t think twice about celebrating Christmas as a Jew for quite some time. It’s possible she’ll ask about it and you’ll give your age-appropriate explanation and she’ll move on. It’s possible she’ll get really interested in it and ask a million questions. But I don’t think any of these scenarios will lead to confusion about her identity. It will just provide a (frankly sparkly and fun and magical) backdrop to talk about your specific family’s background and traditions. And that’s beautiful.
One question I’ll leave you with: I’m curious why you and your husband have decided to raise your child exclusively Jewish when you say that your interfaith identities are so important to you? I’m not pushing any agenda on you — my wife has not technically converted to Judaism and yet we consider ourselves a Jewish family, and intend to raise our kids Jewish, so I’m down for everyone deciding what is right for them when it comes to religion and raising our kids. I guess I just wonder… what would it look like to share more about your interfaith identities with your child? What would it be like to actively incorporate some familial traditions that are outside the Jewish faith? Are your and/or your husband’s parents still in your lives, and if so, might they have some traditions they want to share with their grandchild? What does your faith look like aside from celebrating holidays? And what Jewish traditions or values are most important to you when thinking about raising your child?
So back to the brevity: If you want to celebrate Christmas and share the magic of your childhood with your own kid, I think you should go for it. I don’t really think it’s a big deal one way or the other, though I myself am a Jew who loves a well-decorated Christmas tree, so I’m biased from the start.
But if you want to keep thinking about this topic (when one is Jewish, can one ever really be overthinking, or are we simply… being ourselves? Hmm, much to think about…) I’d encourage you and your husband to explore what parts of your interfaith identities you may actually want to bring into your “exclusively Jewish” home aside from Christmas. I don’t think you have to worry about confusing your daughter; like you said, being interfaith is a unique and special identity, and learning more about how her parents grew up with religion and how her grandparents relate to religion will simply make her feel closer to all of you and more secure in her place in the family. You won’t harm her by introducing nuance into her faith and her upbringing, just like your parents didn’t create confusion for you when raising you interfaith. You say that you and your husband both feel blessed to know and love traditions from both sides of your families. This December, give your daughter that gift, too.
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